Vacation: All I NEVER wanted
by d-E-a-D-12349876-a-C-c-O-u-N-t
Summary: This is a story about all the BLEACH couples that I enjoy. If you like OriIchi or IshiHime, don't read the story. Please do not be offended about the politics in this. I thought that it was funny, but if you don't then I am very sorry. Please review. Thnx
1. The Planning

_This is a story with a bunch of BLEACH couples melded together into one big story. Enjoy!!!_

**CHAPTER 1:**

** THE PLANNING**

"A what?" Ichigo Kurosaki asked as Rukia held the pamphlet up to his face.

"A hot spring. Everyone's going because we all deserve a break. Captain Ukitake said that you guys should come, too," Rukia stated.

"I think it'll be fun, Kurosaki-kun," Orihime said with her _I'm precious so love me, Ichigo_ voice.

"It would be nice," Uryu said, not looking up from his book on the history of Quincies. (It wasn't a very long book.)

Chad nodded.

Rukia smiled. "Then we're all going."

_Meanwhile in the Seretei..._

"I don't see why I have to go to a stupid hot spring..." Toshiro Hitsugaya, the captain of the tenth division said.

"Oh, it'll be fun. Besides, I hear that Momo is coming. Think of it, what if Aizen comes? Who's gonna protect that crazy little chipmunk?" Matsumoto asked.

"I suddenly changed my mind. I'll go. But only to make sure that Momo doesn't get hurt..." Toshiro reluctantly said.

"Come on, Nanao-chan. Please?" Shunsui Kyoraku asked.

"No, sir. We have paperwork. Besides, I don't like hot springs." Nanao Ise, lieutenant of the eighth division said bluntly.

"Oh, Nanao-chan, wouldn't it be nice if the paper work just... disappeared?" Shunsui asked.

"If you don't knock that off, I'll make your sake disappear," Nanao threatened.

"I bet Lisa-chan would've gone," Shunsui said, hating himself that he had to go to such drastic measures.

"I'll go. But only because I'm afraid that you'll get too intoxicated and forget to come home."

"Nemu, I insist that you go. It will help you to interact with all the Neanderthals," Mayuri Kurotsutchi, captain of the twelfth division said.

"Yes, Mayuri-sama," Nemu agreed.

"You will- You already agreed? Alright then. Hurry and go to the next person already! Stop looking at me!!!"

_Meanwhile in the deserts of Hueco Mundo..._

"Gin! Tosen! Attention!" Sosuke Aizen, former captain of the fifth division called.

"Yes? Oh wonderful Aizen-sama?" Gin asked in his usual sarcastic tone.

"What is it, Aizen-sama?" Tosen obediently asked. He was the former captain of the ninth division.

"We will be going to a hot spring. It is because of an evil plot. Thisevil plot will unfold as this wretched story goes along."


	2. The Arrival

**CHAPTER 2:**

** THE ARRIVAL**

_Meanwhile at the hot spring..._

"This is going to be so much fun, Kuchiki-san!" Orihime squealed.

Rukia smiled. "I've always loved hot springs. They always made me feel so relaxed. I think that even Shinigami deserve a break once in a while. Don't you think so too, Ichigo?"

"What?" Ichigo asked as he was snapped out of his very nice daydream.

_Ichigo's daydream..._

"Rukia, there's always been something that I've wanted to tell you. I think that you're really-" Ichigo was cut off by Rukia putting her finger up to his lips.

"You don't need to say anything, Ichigo. I think I understand. Did it go a little something like this?" Rukia asked, putting her lips up to Ichigo's. She had to stretch a little, though.

_Back to reality..._

"And just what were you thinking, Ichigo?" Rukia asked side-eyeing him.

"I-It was nothing," Ichigo replied, blushing a very nice shade of red.

"I bet you twenty bucks it was about Ichigo and Rukia making out," Uryu whispered to Chad.

"Isn't this lovely, Captain?" Rangiku asked, looking at her slightly miffed off captain. "What's the matter? Don't you like hot springs? No! Don't speak! I know where this is going! Just when I thought that you were going to start being nicer to me. You know, you could always be nicer by giving me a raise... And don't yell at me for telling you to give me a raise. It was a friendly suggestion. I mean, I never told you to go through with it."

Toshiro looked at Rangiku. Well, at least he didn't have to make his lungs give out yelling at her. And it saved him a bunch of time.

"I don't like hot springs. Besides, I said I'd only go to make sure that Momo is safe. I'd much rather be home doing some of my paper work. Where is Momo anyway?" Toshiro asked looking around.

"Think about it, Captain. The nice, crisp mountain air, accompanied by the warm, welcoming hot spring water. Isn't it wonderful?"

"I hate when you make things seem so wonderful. You could make impalement sound wonderful," a very familiar voice said to Rangiku. When she turned around, there was no one.

"Well that was strange. Come on, Captain!" Rangiku called, dragging a very reluctant Toshiro.

"Doesn't this look magnificent, Nanao-chan? Look at the beautiful landscape! Not as pretty as you are, though," Shunsui said.

"I'm only here to watch you. I don't see this as a vacation like you do," Nanao told him.

"You're being awfully cold, Nanao," Jushiro Ukitake told her.

"Why me?" Nanao asked the sky.

"Now, Nemu, I want you to find a suitable mate. And if you can't do that, force some poor unsuspecting soul. Okay?" Mayuri asked.

"Yes, Mayuri-sama. I will do as you wish," Nemu answered.

"I knew I was doing a good thing by making you obedient. I hate little brats that don't listen when people are talking. I mean, it's just plain rude. They just walk off. They don't care what you're saying. What if there was a nuclear bomb and you were the only person to know where it was hidden. Woudn't you want someone to lis- Where did you go?! You little brat! Wait till you come home. Oh it is go time. And another thing..."

_Who really cares what he's saying?_


	3. WHO MURDERED OBAMA?

**CHAPTER 3:**

**WHO MURDERED OBAMA???**

"I haven't been at a hot spring in forever. I forgot what it looked like. How about you, Tosen?" Gin asked, forgetting that Tosen couldn't see.

"I wish I could see where you were," Tosen muttered, an angry mark forming on his head. He hated those little jokes.

"Why is that?" Gin asked. He was fairly curious at Tosen't remark.

"So that I could see where to punch you," Tosen answered.

"Oh..."

"Stop bickering, you two. Now, here are our fake I.D's. Aren't you surprised at my creativeness?" Aizen said, handing out the cards.

"I'm George Bush," Gin said questionably. "Are you sure this will work?"

"I'm sure if my name isn't Bill Clinton. And it's not. But here, it is," Aizen answered.

"I'm Barrack Obama, and I approve this I.D card," Tosen said.

"The names are... interesting. But what's with the politics? I mean, couldn't I be Hirohito or something?" Gin asked.

"Of course not. Everyone would suspect us. But if we use American names, the no one will suspect us. Duh!" Aizen answered.


	4. OMG! A Hotspring!

**CHAPTER 4:**

** OMG! A HOTSPRING!!!**

"Room 317," Rukia opened hers and Orihime's room. "O," Rukia muttered.

"M," Orihime said.

"G" They both said in unison.

"This place is amazing!" Orihime yelled. She could have sworn she heard an echo. "Now that's just cool."

"This is really... AWESOME!!! I can't believe that we actually get to stay here for a week. This will be so much fun!" Rukia said.

"Aren't Kurosaki-kun and the others in the room right by us?" Orihime asked, looking at the wall.

"Yeah. Why do you always call Ichigo 'Kurosaki-kun?' He's not that important. He only calls you 'Inoue.' He never puts an honorific on the end. You must be really respectful," Rukia said, oblivious to the fact that Orihime was in love with Ichigo. Orihime would kill Rukia if it meant that Ichigo would love her.

"I don't know. I always put honorifics on the ends of everybody's names. I didn't know that there was anything wrong with that," Orihime said, pretending to have her feelings hurt. Even though she did it just to get "Kurosaki-kun's" attention.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that! I just thought it was weird. I don't call Renji 'Abarai-kun.' I guess I'm just not used to it."

"Room 318. This place better be good," Ichigo muttered as he opened the door.

Ichigo dropped his key.

Uryu dropped his book.

Chad stood there. What was the big deal?

"That is wicked sweet," Uryu said, adjusting his glasses.

"This beats spending time at the clinic," Ichigo agreed.

Chad gave a nod of improvement.

"What are you going to do first?" Uryu asked. He had planned on heading to the hot spring and relaxing. And reading his book.

"See what time dinner is. I'm starving," Ichigo said. They all heard a growl that agreed with his statement.

"Ooh... how pretty," Rangiku said. "This room is gorgeous. Don't ya think so, Captain?"

"It's all right. Now where is Momo? This is the only reason I came to this stupid hot spring."

"I... lied... I knew it was the only way to get you to come. Pretty smart, huh? I didn't think I was that smart, either. But I did hear that she might really come, so don't get your haori in a knot."

"You...hate...me... I didn't think it was possible, but you really do," Toshiro said, trying to get rid of his headache.

(I suggest rubbing your temples, Toshi.)

"Barrack Obama's in the lobby? Wow... I didn't think that someone assassinated him already. Daaaang..." Nemu stated.

_In the lobby..._

"BARRACK OBAMA!!! MAY I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?!" one of the many fans called.

"I hate you," Tosen said to Aizen.


	5. TOSHI HACKIN SNAPS!

**CHAPTER 5:**

**TOSHI F***ING SNAPS!!!**

_In the hot spring..._

"Doesn't this feel good, Kuchiki-san?" Orihime asked, stepping into the very warm water.

"Yeah. It's been forever since I've been in a hot spring," Rukia said.

"I think it's fabulous!" Rangiku said.

"Yes," Nemu stated. She wasn't much of a talker, but somehow, she always seemed to get her point across to the people.

Finally, Nanao showed up. "Sorry I'm late. I was watching the landscape with Shunsui- I mean- Captain Kyoraku," Nanao said, going underwater.

"Nanao's embarrassed!" Rangiku laughed. She loved joking around. Until Nanao spit water in Rangiku's face.

"Meanie," Rangiku muttered.

"This is the life," Ichigo said, relaxing in the waters. It had been forever since he had relaxed like this. Heck, it had been five years since he had gone to a hot spring.

"You said it," Uryu said, reading his book.

"Did you guys see Barrack Obama in the lobby?" Chad asked.

"He's here?" Uryu asked. "I didn't know someone killed him."

"Stop worrying about him and start chillaxing," Renji said.

"Yeah," Ikkaku said. Uryu, Chad, and Ichigo all shielded their eyes.

"What's the matter with you three? It's like you guys are blind! Why are you doing it too, Renji?!"

"Sorry. The reflection your head gives of the moon is really bright tonight," Renji said, putting on a pair of his expensive glasses.

Ikkaku walked away. He was very miffed off. (If I were him, which I can't be cuz I'm not bald or lame, I would've roundhouse-slapped Renji, took Uryu's glasses and threw his book into the water, tell Rukia that Ichigo wanted to make out with her so badly that he kisses his pillow for practice, and tell Yachiru that Chad's coin is a dog biscuit.)

"Hi, everybody!" Shunsui called. He was followed by Jushiro and Toshiro.

"How's your vacation been, Toshiro?" Ichigo asked. Again, he decided not to use his honorific. That's right, he may forget faces and names, but he chooses not to use the honorific... I think.

"For the last flippin' time, it is Captain Hitsugaya. DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME? OR DO YOU JUST HATE ME AND DECIDE TO TRY TO MAKE ME SHRED YOU TO BITS?!?!?!" By now, Toshiro had foam seething from his mouth, and his eyes couldn't quite focus.

"Chillax Captain Hitsugaya. We're on vacation. I mean-" Renji was cut off by Toshiro cutting his sunglasses into six even pieces.

"I AM THOROUGHLY 'CHILLAXED!'" now Toshi was angry...

_Will Renji make it to tomorrow? Will he too get cut into six pieces? Will Byakuya get a flippin' part in this story? Find out in the next chapter of "Vacation: AlI I NEVER wanted."_


	6. The Bet

**CHAPTER 6:**

** THE BET**

"You know," Rangiku said with a sly smile. "Why don't we make this vacation a little more... interesting..."

"Like how?" Nanao asked. Something in her gut told her that she really didn't want to know. Then again, what was Rangiku's evil mind thinking of now?

"Who ever can do it first with a guy gets to be the new vice president!" Rangiku shouted.

"B-but that's m-my job," Nanao sputtered. There was no way any guy in his right mind, or so she thought, would never do it with her...

"T-too bad," Rangiku mocked her.

"How am I supposed to get a guy to do... that?" Rukia asked. She really did want to throw up. She had never even kissed someone!

"That's for you to figure out. Besides, I don't want to know how little violet-eyed midgets get rid of their innocence," Rangiku stated.

"I guess it won't be so bad, Kuchiki-san. I mean, we all know that Renji would happily do it with you," Orihime said, not mentioning the man she had in mind.

"That's not really the guy I had in mind," Rukia said.

"WHAT?!" Orihime almost exploded. Was it possible that Rukia was in love with Ichigo? No! Ichigo was Orihime's. Whether he liked it or not, Orihime was going to win that bet, or at least come in second or something.

It was strange because no one suspected Nemu of being able to win the bet. She was quiet, but she was also mysterious. She slowly crept into the shadows to await what would be a dream to her and a nightmare to some other unsuspecting fool...

"Where's Nemu go?" Nanao asked.

"Maybe she's going to go sulk because she can't get a date," Rangiku said.

"What am I going to do?" Rukia asked herself. _There's no possible way that I can get him to like me..._

_Kurosaki-kun will be mine!_ Orihime thought.

_Captain Kyoraku will never like me. I'm not anything as good as Lisa..._ Nanao went underwater again.

_I like... waffles!!! And Gin!!! But, he's not here, so do I have to do it with a stack of flapjacks?! Well, at least they don't struggle..._ Rangiku absentmindedly thought.

_Who is Nemu after? Who does Rukia like? Is Orihime going to commit murder? Why does Rangiku like pancakes so much? I don't really know... Find out what happens next on "Vacation: All I NEVER Wanted."_


	7. NEMO STRIKES!

**CHAPTER 7:**

**NEMO STRIKES!!!**

Nemu walked slowly down to room 318. At this time, she knew that a certain someone would be getting ready for bed. She knocked. Uryu didn't know that this would be the best and the worst night of his life...

"Come in!" Uryu called. Nemu walked in.

"Hello, Uryu," she said in a melancholy tone.

"You're... hold on! Let me think... I've got it! You're Nemo! I knew you looked familiar!" Uryu proudly declared.

"I'm not Nemo, you idiot."

"Then you're...DORI!!!"

"I didn't know humans could be this stupid... My name is Nemu Kurotsutchi. You know, the girl that gave you the antidote to the poison, gave you the Quincy artifact, helped you and Renji defeat Szayel, you know."

"Nemu... Nemu... Nemu... Nope!" Uryu could be quite air-headed outside of school and sewing.

"This is hopeless. Whatever was I thinking?" Nemu had given up hope. If it hadn't been for her butt-munch of a father, she wouldn't even be in this stupid hot spring listening to an imbecile of a Quincy.

"Wait! I remember!" Uryu shouted. Even though it was a complete lie, why not humor the poor girl? She obviously had good taste in men. I mean, who wouldn't want a piece of the U-Man? (About half of the people. Except for me. Too bad I'm too young for you...)

"You do?! Wait, are you just saying that to humor me? And yes, I have good taste in men. But please, do not call yourself the U-man. It's sorta creepy," Nemu said. She would make a very good fortune teller.

"Although, I'll make sure that you never forget my name again..."

"What do you mean? Stop! Don't come any closer! I'm warning you! I'm a Quincy!"

"Spongebob won't save you now, Uryu..." Nemu kept creeping closer...

"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

_Poor Uryu... Well, at least Nemu won the bet._ :D_ At least the Quincy clan may be repopulated. Who will the next couple be? Find out on the next chapter of "Vacation: All I NEVER Wanted."_


	8. The King and the Queen

** CHAPTER 8:**

**THE KING AND THE QUEEN**

_There's absolutely no way that Ichigo will ever like me. He'd probably like someone like Orihime. She's soft-spoken, she has good manners, she's always polite to you, even if you don't want her to. Sometimes I just wanna smash her face in with a big wooden log, twist it around, and leave her so that the crows can feed on her. Dang! I'm sounding sadistic!_

Rukia thought that there was no way that Ichigo would like her. He would like someone like Orihime, right? Big No No!

_Rukia doesn't like me. She's probably in love with Renji. He and Rukia have been friends since they were little, he's nice, and luck is just never on my side! I really just wanna grab Zangetsu, slice it into Renji's being, and see what happens to him. Rukia'll probably just help him out and leave me to die..._

Rukia was in love with Renji, right? No!

Rukia knocked on the door to Ichigo's room. Why was she doing this? She loved Ichigo. But did he love her? What if he rejected her? What if he was in there right now making out with Orihime and possibly doing... that...

"Come in," Ichigo said.

Rukia walked in. "Hi," she said sheepishly.

"Rukia?! Uh... hi! Come in. What is it?" Ichigo was thoroughly surprised.

"Look Ichigo," Rukia began, "Ireallylikeyousodon'trejectme!!!" Rukia said together in one big word. (translation: I really like you, so don't reject me!)

"I... like you, too," Ichigo said after a few seconds.

"Y-you do?" Tears filled Rukia's eyes. "Th-that's... great!!!"

"So," Ichigo began, looking at the ground.

"Yeah?"

"Do you wanna... you know..."

Rukia smiled slyly before walking over to the lamp, turned out the light... and you don't wanna know no more.

_Ichigo's Inner World..._

Hichigo Shirosaki laughed to himself, then directed his laugh at Zangetsu. "Hey, old man, you owe me fifty yen!"

Zangetsu sighed and dug into his wallet for the dreaded blood money...

_How will Orihime react when she finds out about this? Will she be driven to kill? How will Byakuya react to this? Will he be driven to kill? Why am I asking you this? Find out on the next chapter of "Vacation: All I NEVER Wanted._

Author's Note: The couples are as follows:

IchiRuki

IshiNemu

HitsuHina (she'll come soon)

Shunsui and Nanao (I don't know their couple name)

Rangiku and Gin (I don't know them either)

Orihime and Aizen (Orihime wants it, I swear!)

(If there's anyone I missed that is in the story, please review)


	9. CRAZY CHIPMUNK ARRIVES!

**CHAPTER 9:**

**CRAZY CHIPMUNK ARRIVES**

"Well Captain, I'm going to go take a bath!" Rangiku called as she walked out the door of room 319. Toshiro was happy that she left.

"Finally... Now I can relax, do some paperwork, and try to sleep. Now why did I come here in the first place? Let's see... Meme... no, I only see her on the weekends... Mama... no, I don't have one... Momo! That's it! Rangiku said that she would come..."

At that moment, the door slammed open. There stood Momo Hinamori. "Shiro-chan, why didn't you tell me you were coming here? I was looking everywhere for you. And look, here you are, relaxing, drinking hot chocolate!"

"Matsumoto said you were coming. I decided to trust her for once. Isn't it funny that this once I trusted her and she lied?! Ha... ha... ha...?" Toshiro looked at Momo. She was obviously miffed off.

"I've missed you, Momo," Toshiro tried improvising. Maybe it would calm down the savage beast. (I don't think it's working, Toshi.)

"TOSHIRO HITSUGAYA! HOW DARE YOU... wait. Why am I yelling at you?" Momo forgot why she was angry. Maybe that's cause she's... oh, I don't know... A LUNATIC!!! MOMO HINAMORI IS A COMPLETE LUNATIC!!! (Sorry, did I get off topic?)

"Well, I guess that means you weren't angry at all... Right?" Toshiro really hoped this work...

"I guess you're right, Shiro-chan. So, how's your vacation been?" Momo asked with a smile.

_Why is Momo so stupid? Why was Toshiro able to trick her? Who will the next couple be? Find out on the next chapter of Vacation: All I NEVER Wanted._


	10. Why Nanao Hates Sleep Overs

**CHAPTER 10:**

**WHY NANAO HATES SLEEP OVERS...**

_Why am I here again_? Nanao asked herself as she sat on a bed at Shunsui and Jushiro's sleep over. _How did I wind up here_?

_1 Hour ago..._

"Nanao-chan, will you come to mine and Joey's (nickname for Jushiro,) sleep over? It'll be really fun. There's snacks, sake, and we'll play games!" Shunsui asked.

"Sir, you're a grown man and you're having a sleep over with snacks?" Nanao asked skeptically.

"Of course. You can't have a wicked awesome sleep over without snacks. You'll go hungry."

"I... see... Well, why do I have to go? I don't like sleep overs. They're very childish," Nanao retorted.

"I bet Lisa-chan would've come..." he replied, putting emphasis on the chan.

"Well, I suppose I'll have to come. I wouldn't want you to have a hangover and forget to come back to the Seretei after vacation... but that's the only reason why! It's not like I haven't been to other sleep overs," Nanao lied. The truth was, she had never been to one alive or dead. Maybe it was because no one liked her in the academy.

"Great! Come to my room at seven. Remember, my room number is 321. That's easy to remember."

How could 321 not be easy to remember? It was Nanao's new favorite number... aside from 8. Eight was a sacred number. But right now, 321 was a heavenly number to Nanao.

_At the sleep over..._

"Nanao-chan, you came!" Shunsui called when she walked in. "You still have your hair up? If I were you, I would put it down. It's very uncomfortable to sleep in."

"What about you? You still have your hair in a ponytail!" Nanao countered.

"That's true, but I took out my hair pins. Let me tell you, those are uncomfortable to sleep in," Shunsui said.

"This is going to be so much fun!" Jushiro said picking up his pillow. "PILLOW FIGHT!!!" he called hitting Nanao in the head. Her glasses fell off, and she heard a snap.

"Oops..." Jushiro said looking at the glasses that were falling apart. "Nanao, I accidentally broke your glasses..."

"You what?!"

"Sorry."

"You're a dead man..."

And that's why Ukitake walks with a limp...

_Why am I here again_? Nanao asked herself as she sat on a bed at Shunsui and Jushiro's sleep over. _How did I wind up here_?

"I'm sorry about your glasses, Nanao-chan. Joey didn't mean to step on them," Shunsui said.

"I know, I just didn't expect this out of a sleep over," Nanao said sighing. "You know what? I was glad to come here because I had something to tell you!"

Shunsui stopped. "Joey, get out of the room."

"What if I don't wanna?" Jushiro asked.

And that's why Ukitake can't walk at all...

"What is it?" Now Shunsui was interested.

"Look, Captain, I really like you. And so," Nanao turned out the lights.

It turns out that Nanao didn't hate sleep overs after all...

_What will become of this? Why can't Jushiro walk? Where is Barrack Obama? Find out on the next chapter of "Vacation: All I NEVER Wanted."_


	11. BEAUTY AND THE HOE

**CHAPTER 11:**

** CLINTON AND THE HOE (SING TITLE TO "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST)**

Orihime walked merrily to room 318. Kurosaki-kun would finally be hers. _Kurosaki-kun will be soooo surprised to see me! I can't wait to see his face!!!_ Orihime thought as she knocked on the door.

Ichigo and Rukia immediately tightened up as they heard the door knock. "Hide..." Ichigo told Rukia as he threw on his clothes and hid Rukia's. "Just a minute!" he called, straightening up.

"Kurosaki-kun?" Orihime asked on the other side of the door. What was going on in there? _He must be getting ready to see me... He is such a sweet guy..._ Orihime said happily to herself as she straightened her hair. "Perfect," she muttered, slathering on a bunch of lipstick that made her look like a... BIG HOE!!!

Ichigo opened the door to see a BIG HOE!!! His eyes widened. To Orihime, it was if he couldn't stand to see her awesomeness. "Hoeihime..." he muttered, forgetting what he was saying. When those words came out of his mouth, he hand clamped over his mouth.

"What did you say?" Orihime asked, not knowing that she looked like a BIG HOE!!! Maybe she did, maybe she didn't care. Why didn't he care? Didn't she look amazing? She obviously did.

"S-sorry! You just look a little... different. Scratch my previous statement... you look a LOT different!" Ichigo said. (I don't know why he would say that, maybe because it's because Orihime's a BIG HOE!!!

"Are you trying to get somewhere, Kurosaki-kun?" Orihime asked.

"YES!!! YOU ARE A BIG HOE!!! I'm sorry, but, I just can't look at you anymore..." Ichigo said, slamming the door.

"Are you with Kuchiki-san?! I know you are!!! You'd love me if it wasn't for her! I know you would! There is no way that you can reject me!!! I don't need you! But, I'm telling you now, I'm not finished here!!! You will regret this, Ichigo Kurosaki! I'm telling you, I will have my revenge! That's right, Hoeihime...er... Orihime OUT!!!" Orihime called as she stomped off.

"Now where were we?" Ichigo asked Rukia as he went under the covers...

_In the lobby..._

"That no good... Rukia-loving... butt munch... son of a.. OMG!!! Is that Bill Clinton!? BILL CLINTON!!! I LOVE YOU!!! MAY I PLEASE HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH!!! I'LL BE YOUR NEW HILLARY!!!" Orihime said as she was yelling and screaming her head off.

"HA!!! Now you know how I feel..." Tosen said, just as he was attacked by a pack of girls.

"Orihime Inoue... I like your lipstick. Although, I think you could use just a tad bit more... That is a perfect color on you. I'll gladly make you Hillary..." "Bill Clinton" said as he looked at Orihime. Her heart almost melted.

"You... look familiar..." Orihime's voice trailed off as she looked... into his... chocolate... brown eyes... CRAP!!! AM I TRAILING OFF, TOO?! *slaps hand* BAD LITTLE SISTER OF "THE EMO ALCHEMIST!"

"Sadly... I'm not Bill Clinton... I am... Sosuke Aizen," Aizen said as he gave her a smile that was evil, yet made someone want to pass out at the cuteness.

"That's okay, too. Do you think that I look like a hoe?" Orihime asked.

"Not at all, Princess," Aizen said, giving her a tight embrace, stroking her long hair.

"Much better than Kurosaki-kun," Orihime said to herself as she put her arms around him...

_Ooh... Hoeihime went to the bad side. No offense to those who enjoy OriIchi. Please do not leave bad comments._

_Inspiration: Boondocks:_ Guess Hoe's Coming To Dinner?

_Comment left by Miss Samurai_

_Yes, this was a very romantic chapter. I'll try to be more cracky next time. I really like how this story is coming along. If you have a suggestion for a chapter, feel free to leave comments. _

_Who will the next couple be? Where is George Bush in all this chaos? Does Rangiku still like waffles? Find out on the next chapter of "Vacation: All I NEVER Wanted."_


	12. YOU DON'T TASTE LIKE WAFFLES!

**CHAPTER 12:**

**YOU DON'T TASTE LIKE WAFFLES!!!**

Rangiku relaxed in the hot spring and sighed. _Why does he always have to leave me? I was supposed to relax, but I can't stop thinking about him..._ Her mind drifted back to the when they got to the hot spring...

_"I hate when you make things seem so wonderful. You could make impalement sound wonderful..."_

_Why can't he see that I need him. Aren't I good enough for him? He always leaves without a word. I... need him, too. I hate Aizen! He took him away from me. Maybe, he chose to go to Aizen. Maybe, I couldn't give him what Aizen could. Maybe, Gin's... gay... CRAP!!! I'm in love with a gay man! Everybody knows that I am so more hotter than Aizen. Then again, if Gin's gay, then he'd obviously have a thing for Aizen. Or maybe, he has a thing with Tosen! CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Rangiku was so deep in her thoughts that she didn't even realize someone sneak up on her.

"What's wrong?" a very mocking, yet concerned voice asked.

Rangiku's eyes widened. Was it really him? The man that she had so long loved. "Gin?" she asked.

"Yes, Ran-chan?" the voice responded.

"You have no right to call me 'Ran-chan'! You left me for Aizen! Do you know what you put me through?! Now you think that you can just make things better by just looking at me... with that face... saying that you won't leave again... and then you just break my heart! Not again, Gin!" Rangiku yelled. She couldn't take this heartache again. Not this time.

"I was kinda hoping. Besides, I got very sick very quickly by Bill and his hoe making out in our room. Besides, I know I've done some very stupid things..."

Gin pulled Rangiku in a tight embrace. "I'm sorry," he whispered, just audible enough for her to hear. Those words rolled off his lips and into her soul. Could she trust those words that so often lied to her? Maybe just this once...

"Gin?" Rangiku asked.

"Yes?"

"Are you gay?"

"No," Gin almost choked.

"Oh. Gin?"

"Yes?"

"Do you taste like waffles?"

"No."

"That's okay. We can get through that."

Rangiku was content with her sly fox...

_Was that too sappy? Where is Byakuya? Where is the sanity in this story??? I don't know...Find out on the next chapter of "Vacation: All I NEVER Wanted."_


	13. THE ARTILLERY ARRIVES! LOOK OUT ICHIGO!

**CHAPTER 13: **

**THE ARTILLERY ARRIVES!!! RUN ICHIGO!!!**

"Excuse me. Do you know what Ichigo Kurosaki's room number is?"

"Ummm... why yes! It's room 318. Have a nice day!" the receptionist said to Byakuya Kuchiki.

"It's go time, Kurosaki," Byakya muttered as he stepped into the elevator.

"Ken-chan! Can we get some snacks before visiting Ichi? Please?" Yachiru asked.

"No."

"Captain, I'll take her," Yumichika offered.

"Whatever."

"Yea! Pretty Boy and me are going to get some snacks!" Yachiru cheered.

It was strange because Yumichika had a different idea in mind...

Ichigo looked at Rukia lovingly. "I'm really glad that you aren't Orihime..."

"Me too."

The door slammed opened to reveal none other than Byakuya Kuchiki. DUN...DUN...DUN!!!!!

"Byakuya-Nee sama!" Rukia practically squealed. Why did he have to come now?

"I came for Kurosaki..." Byakuya growled.

"Well then, I guess it's safe for me to run!" Rukia called as she ran out of the room.

"RUKIA!!! DON'T LEAVE ME WITH _YOUR_ BROTHER!!! I MIGHT DIE!!!" Ichigo yelled after her.

"How dare you... do... that... with my sister?! She's not from your world. You have no right to be with her. You two are very different. She deserves someone better than you. Renji would suffice. Although I was thinking some prince from somewhere. Like maybe someone from this really-" Byakuya was cut off.

"Dude! They may depict you as a quiet captain, but when you start talking you won't stop! You just keep babbling! It gets really annoying after a while!" Ichigo yelled.

"How dare you criticize me?! I am the captain of the sixth division! If anything, I should be criticizing you about something. Like how your hair's too spiky. You could poke someone eye out with that hair. And your sword. It's as big as you are. It's a health hazard to all Shinigami. And another thing-"

"You're doing it again! Someone should get a shock collar and shock you every time that you start talking!" Ichigo stated.

"That's rude! You are so disrespectful to those who are higher above than you. I should report you to Captain Yamamoto. Oh, he would chew you up and spit you out. He would have you learn to respect people in five minutes. And then-"

"STOP IT!!! IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU COOL AND IT CERTAINLY DOESN'T MAKE YOU HOT! IT'S A WASTE OF IMPORTANT AIR! MAYBE I SHOULD TELL YAMAMOTO ON YOU! HE'D CHEW YOU UP AND SPIT YOU OUT!!! OH YEAH-"

"There's a way of correcting people nicely, you know. Besides, you're doing it, too. How dare you criticize me when you're doing exactly what I'm doing. It's very rude to be a hypocrite. You know-"

"STOP IT!!! BOTH OF YOU!!! I HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO YOU TWO FOR A HACKIN' TWENTY MINUTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING IT IS TO LISTEN TO YOU BOTH?! I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING-"

"You're doing it, too," Byakuya and Ichigo said in unison.

"Aha! I know how to solve our problems!" Byakuya proudly declared.

"How?" Ichigo and Rukia asked.

"With this! I will use the Magic Conch!!! It will tell us what to do! The Magic Conch is the wisest thing on the face of the earth! It will solve our problems. Remember-"

"JUST PULL THE STRING!!!" Rukia yelled.

"Fine. Don't have to yell... Oh Magic Conch! What shall we do?" Byakuya asked as he pulled the string.

"Nothing," The voice recorded shell replied.

"ALL HAIL THE MAGIC CONCH!" Ichigo, Rukia, and Byakuya all shouted. Then, they sat down and did absolutely... nothing...for the rest of the night...

_What does Yumichika have in plan for Yachiru? Why does Kenpachi want to see Ichigo? Why is the Magic Conch so dang Important? Find out on the next chapter of "Vacation: All I NEVER Wanted."_


	14. What's A Face Mask?

**CHAPTER 14:**

**WHAT'S A FACE MASK???**

"So, when are we gonna get the candy?" Yachiru asked as she walked beside Yumichika.

"Hmm? Oh! Right! The candy... Actually, I was kinda planning something different," Yumichika said as he grabbed out a bag. A black bag. A PIMP BAG!!!

"What's that?" Yachiru asked a bit terrified. _Oh crap. He's gonna hackin' rape me!!! KEN-CHAN!!!!! Oh no... Oh no... Crap..._

"What's wrong?" Yumichika asked as he grabbed something from his black...pimp...bag...

"I'm warning you... Ken-chan will have your head on a silver platter with a side of cranberries if somethin' happens to me. You are soooo dead, Pretty Boy," Yachiru warned, gripping the wall.

"Okay... I was just planning on giving you a makeover. But if you want me to do your hair, I'll gladly do that, too. I don't see why the Captain would want my head on a plate that's silver. I'm allergic to silver," Yumichika said as he put some powder on the fluffy brush. "There...we go! Your cheeks have a very nice rosy complexion now, Lieutenant."

"Huh? I thought you were gonna..." Yachiru's voice trailed off.

"Were gonna?" Yumichika questioned.

"NOTHING!" Yachiru turned a nice shade of pink.

"Now all we have to do is get you a face mask..." Yumichika said as he looked at Yachiru's face.

"What's a face mask?" Yachiru asked. "Wait, is it that icky green stuff that ladies with bad faces put on their heads to help, but it only makes them look as if they're a zombie who's about to eat you brain?"

"Yes...those," Yumichika answered.

"I don't wanna look like a zombie about ready to eat your brain...if you have one," Yachiru said. "I'm not prissy like that."

"I'm not saying that you need it, I'm just saying that you might wanna consider it."

"Oh... okay... Pretty Boy?"

"Yes, Lieutenant?"

"Can I call you somethin' else?"

"Like what?"

"How about Yumi-chan?" Yachiru suggested.

"Well, it sure beats 'Pretty Boy.'"

"Great!"

"You want candy, don't you?" Yumichika knowingly asked.

"Duh. I wanted that from the very beginning."

"Oh yeah, one of these days I'm taking you to a spa," Yumichika promised.

"Sure. As long as it has candy."

"You slay me, Lieutenant," Yumichika sighed happily.

"I just have one question. WHY THE HECK DO YOU HAVE A PIMP BAG???!!!"

"It was on sale," Yumichika answered bluntly.

"Okay, Yumi-chan!" Yachiru said happily. For, in her heart, she had a bit of a crush on "Yumi-chan." Like she'd ever tell him. Maybe when she's older. And maybe, she might get one of those icky face masks...

_Where was a pimp bag on sale at? Are Ichigo, Rukia, and Byakuya still doing nothing? Where is Uryu? (I'd really like to know...) Find out on the next chapter of "Vacation: All I NEVER Wanted."_


	15. The Aftermath

**CHAPTER 15:**

** THE AFTERMATH**

"That weekend was so relaxing!" Rukia called as she and Ichigo walked down to the lobby.

"You can say," Ichigo agreed, kissing her on the lips.

"Kurosaki. I've been looking everywhere for you," Kenpachi smiled. "You. Me. Fight. Now."

"Wow... that sounds so tempting, but I'm gonna have to give you a bit of a rain check. I've got a bunch of things to do. You know," Ichigo said, hoping that he could trick the beast that the eleventh squad called a captain.

"Looks like you've already got your bags packed. Great! Now we can have a real fight," Kenpachi said, pointing to Ichigo's bags.

"Are those mine? Darn. I thought those were Rukia's. It's really easy to get confused, you know," Ichigo improvised.

"Then how come it says 'Property of Ichigo Kurosaki'? I don't think that it's hers..." Kenpachi said with a hint of danger in his tone.

"NOW YOU LISTEN HEAR NOW YOU MEATHEAD! I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU KILL ICHIGO BECAUSE I HAVE HAD THE BEST WEEKEND IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, AND IF YOU RUIN IT, I WILL PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND GIVE YOU NIGHTMARES FOR THE REST OF YOU STUPID LIFE! BESIDES, ICHIGO'S A WIMP, BUT I COULD DEFINATELY BEAT SOME SENSE INTO YOU!!!" Rukia yelled, actually catching Kenpachi off his guard.

"I'm leaving. I'd hate to have that 'thing' nagging at me all the time," Kenpachi said, walking off.

"Ken-chan!" Yachiru cried, climbing on top of Kenpachi. "My face is glowing! Look at it! Isn't that wicked sweet?"

"Sure," Kenpachi said.

"Hello, Captain. I hope you didn't mind if I gave Yachiru a makeover," Yumichika said.

"Whatever," Kenpachi said.

Ikkaku walked up, and the eleventh squad left the hot spring. Cries of joy could be heard around the world.

"Oh, Magic Conch, what should I do now? I mean, should I hop on one foot, should I eat a plate of spaghetti, or my personal favorite, pumble Kurosaki to a pulp? Or maybe I could even-"

"Shut up," the monotone shell replied.

"ALL HAIL THE MAGIC CONCH!!!" Byakuya cried as he immediately stopped talking for the rest of his life because he couldn't ask what to do next.

Renji walked out with Byakuya and the sixth squad departed.

The elevator opened up and Uryu and Nemu walked out. They really had gotten to know each other. And you know what, maybe Shinigami weren't that bad. At least Nemo wasn't that bad.

"Wasn't that super fun?" Rangiku asked as she and Gin were arm in arm and Toshiro and Momo were even an item.

"It wasn't that bad," Toshiro admitted as he looked at Momo.

Shunsui and Nanao walked down the steps. Shunsui was still lazy, and Nanao was still strict, but they could see through their differences.

"I'm sorry for saying that Lisa would've done everything. In all reality, she wouldn't do half the things that you would," Shunsui said as he gave Nanao a gentle kiss.

The moment would've been perfect if Jushiro hadn't rolled down the steps.

"Use your legs, Joey," Shunsui reprimanded him.

"I would if I could," Jushiro growled.

Clinton and his BIG HOE walked down together. He didn't really have an evil plan, he just wanted to relax. Hey, even evil guys can relax and find love. And Orihime's just a... oh, I don't know... a BIG HOE!!!!!

What ever happened to Barrack Obama you ask? Well...

"Somebody... anybody... help... me... please?" Tosen asked. "I hate you, Bill Clinton..."

"I LOVE YOU BARRACK OBAMA!!! YOU IS MY FAVORITE DUDE!!!!!!!!!" a crazed fan called.

"Yeah, I really hate Bill Clinton..."

_I'm sorry this story has to some to a tragic end, but, if you want, I could write a sequel. I hope you enjoyed this story. My next chapter will be special for the people who reviewed. _


	16. ARIGATOU!

**CHAPTER 16:**

** ARIGATOU!**

I would like to thank all of you who have commented on my BLEACH fanfic. It is a big honor! Iwould like to thank the following:

1) XPyromaniacxDestinyX

2) Lord Alania

3) Rachel Noelle

4) ichi-ruki'lophe

5)Miss Samurai

6) ravenrocks191

7)Shane likes POKEMON

I loved the writing the story, and I plan on writing a sequel, so look out for it! Hope ya liked it!

(SISTER OF)**-T-E-A- **


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